Saturday, May 7, 2016

Mom, I'm So Sorry....

Mak,
I'm so sorry.
I've caused you so much trouble, ever since I was born.
With things that happened ever since I was a kid, I always thought that I was a mistake.
I came at the wrong time.
I thought, you actually don't want me.
Yes, I used to have this kind of thought.

Back then, you nagged me a lot.
I used to hate you for that.
No, I used to hate you for lots of reasons.

Others have their mom waiting for them from school.
But I came home to an empty house.
You're always busy with your work at the hospital.
You leave in the morning, and came back at night, when I'm already in bed.
Did you care about me?
You never had time for me. So, that's why you're not in my childhood memory.
You love my eldest brother the most, since he's the smartest, and I was sure, your love for me was the least.
And the *stupid, immature* list goes on.

Mak,
I'm so sorry.
You sent me to one of the best school in the state, yet I chose to transfer to one of the worst.
I disappoint you with grades, even though you've spends hundreds, or perhaps thousands for my education.
I know that you're disappointed, especially when my grades were getting worse.
But the thought of you agreed for me to change school,
I'd really thank you for that.
I made friends here.
You would be happy for me on this, right?

Mak,
I thought you hate me.
But how come you're always there for me?
One incident makes me realize that I'm the one at fault, for most things.
I was too young to understand.
The reasons of why you do things the way you do.
All your sacrifices. 
I thank Allah for making me realize that.
For the chance to finally understand you.
The chance to hug you.
The chance to call you 'Mak'.
For ignoring the awful wishes that I had hoped for you.

Mak,
I'm so sorry.
For all the negative thought that I had on you.
For the times that I make you cry.
For all the sufferings that I caused you.

But Mak,
Thank you.
For giving birth to me. Raising me. Support me.
For listening.
For being understanding.
For never giving up on me.
For loving me, even though I give you nothing but trouble.

I know you'll probably never get to read this.
I write this just get it off my chest for a while. 
But I hope you know that when I say I LOVE YOU,
I really mean it. Every single time I said it.

Thank you Mak. I love you.